“An empty lantern provides no light.  Self-care is the fuel that allows your light to shine brightly.” - Unknown
 
If someone said to you, there is a practice, that you can do right now, that could improve your mental health, your attitude, your relationships, your outlook on life, your perspective, your behaviours, your understanding of yourself, your emotional responses, your approach to situations and your suffering, would you be even just a little curious as to what that was?
 
Right now, in this moment, allow yourself to at least explore the possibility that this statement may be true.
 
“Remember you have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” – Louise L Hay
 
I love the above quote - let’s do more of what is working, let’s do something different!
 
 So what is self compassion?
What it isn’t, is just some popular word bouncing around, it is a real and really beneficial skill.  Maybe you can relate to this, but for me it is about the following:
​

• First and foremost, it is something that takes practice and repeating.
• It is the ability to show myself self-care and therefore showing myself the respect and love I need, to be able to navigate through all that life has in store for me.
• It is understanding that I am someone who makes mistakes and I try to look at this with curiosity rather than any guilt or harsh criticism.  Granting myself that same forgiveness I might give someone else, instead this time I forgive myself for the error and I do it differently next time.  “One of the basic rules of the universe is that nothing is perfect. Perfection simply doesn't exist.....Without imperfection, neither you nor I would exist”― Stephen Hawking  
• It is the ability that I have, in understanding myself a little more and then acting on things in a way that shows inward kindness and care.  Going forward in a way that connects me to the version of myself I value most.
• It is celebrating my achievements.  Knowing what an achievement looks like to me. It can be the smallest of successes and not necessarily the huge gains or accomplishments.  Taking these and acknowledging them in a way that shows that I am proud of the way I handled that, or worked hard on that, or changed that or even thought about that.
• It is acknowledging that encouraging words and ways are the things that energise and comfort me.
• It is the ability to be flexible just enough, so that I open my mind to learn something new about myself and respond to that knowledge without judgement or criticism.
• It is asking for help when I need it, because in that moment, I have acknowledged, that what is best for me in this situation, is support.
• It is accepting that in this moment, I am okay.  In this moment, I am doing the best I can.  In this moment right now, I am human and worthy of forgiveness and capable of change.
• It is seeking out moments, people, situations and opportunities to be grateful for, recognising them in my life and reminding myself of these when my negative and unrealistic thoughts are taking me captive.
• It is using language that builds up, nurtures, encourages, and inspires me to continue, to grow or to heal.

 
All in all, showing and practicing self compassion regularly, shifts our focus and before long, we start to look out for things we are grateful for, willing to learn, ways to enhance our self care. 
It creates a space for us to always come back to, a space that is free from judgment, instead it’s a space of calm, safety and autonomy.  A space we get to feel empowered every day, a space we get to take the lead and enhance little by little and step by step.

“Plant seeds of happiness, hope, success, and love; it will come back to you in abundance.  This is the law of nature” – Steve Maraboli

“Your personal boundaries protect the inner core of your identity and your right to choices.”— Gerard Manley Hopkins
 
Thanks to the Cambridge Dictionary a boundary can be described as the following:
 The limit of what someone considers to be acceptable behaviour:
Try to show love while respecting each other's boundaries.
Set a boundary 
We set firm boundaries, and if the children cross them there are consequences.
 
Imagine for a moment...
You are in a queue.  You can literally feel the person behind you, breathing in your neck because they are that close to you. 
In that moment, what do you need?  Well if it were me, I would NEED them to back off, take a step back, give me breathing space, stop invading my personal space. 

So, what is this boundary?
A personal boundary that I did not communicate to this person in the queue but one that I needed.  I value having a physical distance between myself and other people.  So in a way I felt this person had crossed my boundary and that annoyed me and made me feel uncomfortable.

A boundary is a limit of sorts, an expectation.  But, it can also be something flexible, a part of self care, a part of communication, a skill, and even a sensation you might feel physically.  As well as things that you may be willing to accept or at least compromise on. 

How to put in a boundary or what they are is not necessarily something we learn as a child.  Preferably yes, but not always so. 

A boundary is a life skill.  Yip, something essential for our wellbeing that we can learn, just like the skill of communicating.
In fact, setting boundaries, is a form of communicating to others effectively, what is important to you, what your values are, what you ultimately need and what you expect for yourself and expect from them as a result of knowing your boundary.

That being said, they are not always easy to put into place.  Have you ever tried to stop flicking through social media?  And before you know it you have taken up the flicking again.  

Okay, so in this instance, the ‘why’ you tried to put that boundary in is important because you clearly value your time spent elsewhere.  You made a conscious decision to stop, draw the line.  That is a good effort of you trying to draw closer to what is important to you.
Another example might be putting a boundary in at work.  Perhaps you decide that you don’t want to socialise with those you work with due to cultural reasons.  It is of importance to you, to align with your cultural values and therefore you put that boundary in for yourself.

As you can see, you can assign boundaries to different areas/categories of your life and you may discover that some boundaries are non-negotiable ones and others are a bit more flexible in nature, adjusting as the situation changes or as communication evolves.

Boundaries and balance go hand in hand.  If the scales are tipping too far in the direction that is away from what is meaningful and important for you, then perhaps there needs to be a boundary or two put in place.

Wow, what a great way of showing yourself and others, how much you respect yourself and that you are willing to consider your own self care.

There is a very helpful way in which you can set a boundary.  It is no secret that ‘I’ statements work best.  This is because you show others you are being reflective and stating how you feel and what you want. You are not blaming, calling out or insulting and so there is little room for others to get defensive.

Here are just a few examples of some 'I' statements you could use.
‘I get scared when… and I feel nervous when you…’
‘I need to just pause right now as I need time to think.’
‘I feel unappreciated when you…..’
‘Ideally, that would be something I would love to do, but right now, I just don’t have it in me.’
‘I can sense you may not be comfortable with this, are you okay for me to continue or do you need me to stop?’
‘I respect myself too much to let this continue and so I have decided to end this relationship.’
 
Think of a time when you put in a boundary. 
Could you have done it in a different way? 
Do you need to revisit it and change it?
Is that boundary still aligned with what you value, what is important to you?
Are you taking advantage of boundaries that others have put in place?

Being more aware of what you are feeling about certain situations, conversations and people, can really help you to understand what buffer you may need to put in place to help protect yourself from potential harm, be that physical, emotional, financial, spiritual, sexual or cultural harm to name a few.

The clearer the boundary, the more you communicate with others exactly what the expectation is.  When you are able to put in a boundary, it empowers you, decreases fear and can increase your confidence as you continue to align with what feels respectful to your values, your needs, your life.

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.”
— Brené Brown
 

I am sure you know or can feel when you are out of balance, when things seem to overwhelm you, or you are more anxious or more irritable than usual or perhaps you notice you are more emotional than usual, or you are feeling more tired.   

This might be one of those times when you could be slightly off balance in one or more areas of your life. 
In other words, you may be spending too much time designated to one area or one thing or one person.  Or perhaps you are placing too much emphasis in an area of your life or focusing heavily on a particular person or project.  The result being that you start to neglect any form of self-care as well as what might be important to you.

One way or the other you just know you are not as balanced as you used to be and so you feel a lack of control and often panic.
Well for the purpose of this blog, I am curious to know, what balance looks like in your life. 

What does it feel like to you, when you are satisfied with the different domains in your life and the amount of time and energy being spent there? 

What are you doing that keeps you in this wonderful state of balance?

• Some of you might go as far as to say that you have clear boundaries in place or have let go of things that no longer serve you or drain your energy to help you achieve this balance. 
• Some of you might say that by sharing responsibilities with other supports or family members, contributes to a good dose of balance.
• Some of you might say that to prioritise tasks or meetings, socialising with friends or even family events and traditions, is important to a balanced lifestyle.
• Some of you might consistently participate in an exercise routine.
• Some of you might recognise the need to change certain things in your life like, sleep patterns, diet or habits.

 
Getting a feel for what happens to you both physically and emotionally when you more balanced, can help you to identify times when you are lacking energy, when you may need to pull back, reset, connect with others, change something (after all, change is as good as a holiday right?)

Whatever it looks like to you, having things in place that contribute to you feeling more ‘balanced’ in your life, will support you in times of stress or demand or emotional turmoil.  And it is through this effort and creation of yours, that you will always have something as your 'go to' remedy to get you through the day, week, month, year.

Just like a seesaw in motion in a playground, sometimes you will be focused on one end then the other or sometimes in between.  Spending more time with regards to work related responsibilities or task and other times you may find that more time is needed with family. 

It all comes down to being able to recognise within yourself, when you are starting to lean too far for your comfort, in a particular direction.
Once you notice the signs, remind yourself what you are grateful for and know that you can do something about it each and every time, to achieve or maintain your life’s balance.
 
“Balance is not something you find, it's something you create”
Jana Kingsford

Talk with someone, reach out and find the support that works for you. 
Do more of what is working and build on that.
​
If you or a loved one need further professional counselling support, please contact me on theresa@connectingdotscounselling.au
​You are never alone!

​CHANGE OF SEASON

I am writing this blog as I sit on a wet and windy afternoon in Perth, Australia.
Thinking about how the weather changes so often but also thinking about looking forward to the change that I know will be coming as Spring approaches.
This got me thinking about you and the different seasons in your life.

Imagine with me for a moment, that you have found yourself not quite where you would like to be in your life.  That you feel stuck or perhaps restless or maybe you feel like you want a change but are unmotivated.  This may be due to circumstances contributing to your decline in wellbeing or what life has thrown at you at this particular time.
Whatever the ‘place’ you are in, let's call this, your SEASON NOW.

Season NOW
As the name suggests, this is where you are at currently.  Your concerns, your confusion, your frustration, your grief, wanting meaning or whatever it may be for you at this time in your life.

​Season WHAT
Well, what is it that you have identified as needing to change?  Or what is it that you just know you want to change?   What do you need to be different? What would you like instead?  Where would you like to be instead?  What would you like to be doing instead?  What would you need to focus on to get what you want instead?

Season WHO 
Sometimes we need support with one thing or another and so this might be a time where you are reaching out for that support from others.  This may be your social group, your family, your work colleagues, strangers in an area of interest.  Or you know exactly how to support yourself as you have identified your strengths or skills in this particular area that you can use, because you have used them before. 

Season HOW
Now that you have who is going to support you, think about how you are going to change things.  What will you start with.  What tiny step are you going to take in the direction you want to go?  What looks and feels different when you do this? What skills are you going to draw upon that you can use here in this season?  What skill worked before, or which new skill can you use or develop?  What is important to you, that you value that will help you draw closer to what you want?

Season CHANGE
This is where you get to look at all the things you have put in place to help make the change you desire.  Using all your strengths, skills, your values, boundaries and your supports to live in this season.

Evaluate your efforts so far.

• Did the change work?
• What do you need to tweak?
• Nothing is set in stone.
• You can always change your mind.
• You can start again and try something else.
• You can continue to do what is working and build on that.

 
Remember, just like seasons of this earth, you may be in one season for longer than the others. 

Moving through different stages and different areas.  Connecting to people and activities. Try not to fight the change, but rather hold it loosely until such time you are ready to let go of it and move into the next season.  Change can take time, so be aware of this and allow yourself the space and ‘season’ to adjust to the change.  You already know that this season is not going to last forever and that alone is a hope to hold onto.

If time is not on your side and change has happened suddenly without warning, then this too is an ‘event within the season’ you are about to be in.  What you do with that change is what is important.  So, using all the things we have spoken about here already, will empower you and inspire you to grab on with both hands to get through it or to even embrace it.

Change is inevitable, so when you feel that change starting to happen, ask yourself if this is an inconvenience or an opportunity for healing, growth and discovery? 

Are you empowering yourself with knowledge, understanding and flexibility in order to embrace the change so that you give yourself the very best opportunity to not only survive but thrive in the process.
 
 “We cannot become what we need by remaining what we are.”
― John C. Maxwell

Let’s be honest, some of us would like to avoid having a difficult conversation at all costs, right?

Great, we get to avoid the uncomfortable feeling, the intense emotions, or the raised voices.  Does this action take us a step closer to getting the outcome we want? Hmmm I wonder.

However, what if, these types of conversations are not all bad?  Sure, there may still be parts we are uncomfortable with but difficult conversations can actually be a great path to growth and understanding. 

So how do we have these conversations in a way that serves us well as well as the person we are having them with?

• Check yourself to make sure that you need to be having this particular difficult conversation.  Have you considered the possibility that maybe, you can work the concern out without involving anyone else?   
• Acknowledge first if you have had a part to play in the concern and let the others know what you are willing to take responsibility for.
• Make sure to be flexible in your thinking and be open to the possibility of a different perspective.  At the very least try to be curious about what another’s perspective is or what solution they may have in mind. 
• Remember you can always ask others to explain more about a statement or idea, which indicates your interest and willingness to listen.
• Prepare for your conversation, a bit like you would do if you were playing a chess game, where you think about your game and plan your next move. 
• Keep the outcome of the conversation, in mind.  What is the purpose of this conversation?  What are you hoping to achieve or learn from this conversation?  What important details do I need to address?  Come back to these points when you feel stuck or overwhelmed by emotion. 
• Hit the pause button!  Take a breath when you need to and remind yourself of that end goal you would like. 
• Have you considered, that maybe, there is a better outcome than the one you went in with?  Being curious about all possibilities and being open to hearing these, goes a long way to finding the very best outcome.
• Using I-statements where possible relays to another person how you are feeling and helps you to express your feelings without asserting blame.  It also shows that you may be taking responsibility for how you feel.
• This next one may seem obvious, but here it is anyway.  Listen to the way the other person wants or needs to tell their story, rather than listening the way you want to hear it. 

The skill of listening is to fully understand what you are hearing and checking in with others that you in fact have understood what you have just heard.  This may even require you to ask questions before blurting out a panicked response. 

Seek to understand.  Be curious about the potential answers you might hear.  Be curious about the experience. 

Remember, unless there is an end date to adhere to, hit the pause button.  Sleep on it if you must and take time to process it in your time.  This is self-care. 

And lastly, once the conversation is over, congratulate yourself for taking that step to assert yourself, for being present, for taking a risk, voicing your concerns or any other of your amazing skills you may have used.  Then take from the experience, any points you feel provide a learning opportunity and let go of the things that you have no control over and no longer relevant.  


#conversations #listeningskills #conflict

Let's Talk Strengths
​Have you ever taken time to acknowledge just how well you may have handled a situation or perhaps commended yourself on your efforts?
​
It is not only healthy, but incredibly empowering to explore, acknowledge and appreciate your own strengths.

Remembering that what may be easy for some, can be really difficult for others.
My encouragement for you today, is to take a moment to remind yourself of all those times, where you doubted you would ever get through the situation, but 'somehow' you did.

And then ask yourself how you did that!

#strengths #capabilities #empower

Feeling Lost
Life can be full of surprises as I am sure you know.  Sometimes, events take place, and we are left with regret of how we have handled ourselves during that time or we have experienced an outcome that was unexpected. 

Perhaps there have been a lot of changes that have taken place and you are left feeling insecure, fearful, or anxious. 

By nature, we are creatures of habit and therefore, having constants in our lives, helps us to feel a sense of security, safe, grounded.  When those constants change, we may have a sense of urgency to sort things out or find purpose or meaning.

Now what?  Where do you go from here?  So much may have taken place and you may not know where or how to start making change?

The good news is, there is always something we can do and somewhere we can go.
Let’s look at what you can do to help yourself.

• Finding out what is important to you.  What do you value? (Perhaps it is a good partner, a different job, your current home)

 

• Asking yourself, where it is you want to be instead?  The stronger your description of the direction you want to go in, the more likely you are to start moving in that direction and this increases your motivation to do so. 

 

• Be consistent in taking steps towards your desired direction.

 

• Try a different approach – Albert Einstein once said, ‘Insanity is, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.’

 
Sometimes we need to take the time to broaden our view on what our preferred future looks like.  (Talk to friends, helplines, family, do research).

During this time, we can choose to focus on all the strengths and abilities and traits we have, that will enable us to get there.

If you struggle with this, ask your close friends and family to remind you of these amazing traits and abilities.  And YES, we all have them, even if we do not feel we are amazing or strong at this time!

Remember we can look at what we once valued and challenge ourselves by asking if that is still of value to us and maybe we need to do a bit of an adjustment.  
Re-evaluating what is important to us can be necessary in making decisions or steering us in the direction we want to go.

There is no doubt, that when you are in a place of overwhelm, it can be very scary.  When things have been a certain way for a long period of time and change in a way you are not used to or do not recognise can be difficult and you may not know where to start.

I would like to encourage you to start with one thing that is working for you and try to build on that.  You may experience a ‘relapse’ of sorts, but that is when you can hold onto your description of your preferred future as your ‘North Star’ or your ‘Guiding Light’.   
​You are the owner of your life story and get to write the next chapter the way you want to. 
​
You may be required to be a little braver, a little more adventurous or a little more observant, but whatever it is that you need to build on, be kind to yourself, it can take time to process, to heal.

Don’t forget to look around you, for people and resources, that may be available to help you.  If you cannot think of anyone that may be able to help you, then ask yourself this question, how would you help a friend or family member if they were in your situation?  What would you encourage them to have a go at or who to connect with. 
There will always be a direction that you would prefer to move towards.

Quote by T.Harv Eker ‘One step in the right direction is better than a hundred years of thinking about it.’

#direction #anxious #purpose #uncertainty

Life Skills
​About 10 years ago, whilst working in the education setting, I decided to investigate the topic of ‘life skills’.  It was a subject which intrigued me and so I did a lot of research on it.  I discovered just how incredibly important, necessary and life changing it is, when these skills are taught from a young age as a collaborative approach, in education settings, in families and in communities.
 
What are Life Skills?
In a nutshell, they are various skills that you acquire and learn through your everyday life experiences that enable you to effectively work through the challenges of your life. 
Having life skills helps children and adolescents become responsible, resilient, and healthy.  This then, is part of the grounding for healthy adults.
 
Why do we need these skills?
Would you want skills, that empower you to be the best version of yourself?   Would you want skills that help you to deal with what life hands you in a productive, competent, and resourceful way, all whilst maintaining a level of wellbeing?

How else do we manage our work, our relationships, and our needs?  And not just on a practical level, but also on an emotional level, being able to respond to situations with control and ability.
We can put these skills into various sections of our lives: (picture a gallery of paintings if you like, with each category being the painting of your life skills).
​ 
What do you know about yourself?
Self-Awareness – looking at your behaviour, actions, emotions and taking time to reflect on these, Self Esteem, Assertiveness, Ability to Manage your Feelings, Coping with Stress.

What do you know about how you relate to others?
Relating to others, Empathy – the ability to understand others’ needs, Managing Peer Relationships, Effective Communication, Negotiating, Conflict Resolution.

What do you know about how you use Life Skills in your business world?
Identifying ways to be successful in business, identifying ways to be financially stable.

What do you know about how effectively you can make decisions?
Creative thinking, Critical Thinking – organising, analysing, and evaluating facts, Decision Making – goals, values, beliefs, Problem Solving.

Take one example of this list - Being able to communicate effectively - in doing so it helps us to enhance our relationships.  Helping us to minimise potential misinterpretation of the communication.

Another example from the list is decision making.  I am sure you would agree that we are forever making decisions in our lives.  Some more serious than others.   Never underestimate the decision-making process that goes on in the school yard not just in the business arena.  To be able to do this, we need the skills to know how so we can make well-informed decisions based on the facts and working out the pros and cons of the decisions we make.  And then making sure we have the skills that help us deal with this process from a logical perspective without letting our emotions take over.

Where and how can we teach or learn these skills?
Well, firstly at home is the best place to create the foundation of these skills and the continuation of these skills.  Secondly, in the education setting, as children spend a lot of hours in the school setting for example.  Thirdly in the community.

Why?  Because it improves mental wellbeing and helps children and young people understand what they value in life, want from their life, and helps them to understand themselves and other relationships and interactions in their lives. 

Young people are constantly trying to find their place in their world and who they are and who they want to be.  The social pressures and effect this has on their self-esteem all eventually can lead to a decline in their mental health.  We want the youth of today to be able to thrive in their family, their world, their communities, don’t we?
​
It is for this reason, the more we can equip the youth of today with skills they need, the more they will understand who they are, what their strengths and weaknesses are so they can increase their ability to know themselves and how they deal with life situations.
 
So how do we improve our life skills?

• Continue to try to do something despite obstacles or difficulties.
• Work together with others to complete a task.
• Show interest in a cause.  Be curious about the world around you.
• Put real effort into doing something.
• Think about the concerns others may have and try to see things from a different perspective.
• Find an answer or solution to a problem you or someone else is experiencing.
• Keep your house, room, email, diary and office organised and things accessible.
• Be honest with yourself and with those in your life.
• Be accountable for your actions and your attitude.
• Create a plan and try to carry it out completely.
• Show interest in a topic or task.
• Be self-aware and accept mistakes as part of your growth.
• Be satisfied if you have given it your best effort.
• Try to laugh every now and then and be kind to yourself.
• Be patient and practice being in tune with what your body is telling you.
• Know what you value and act accordingly.
• Try to be flexible by practicing the ability to change plans when needed.
• Think things through first.
• Practice courage – you can do more than you give yourself credit for.
• Keep your friendships strong by showing care and demonstrating trust.
• Truly listen to others to understand them and try to view things from different viewpoints.

 
Perhaps this blog has helped you to identify a skill you would like to work on or learn.  It is never too late to learn or to teach others a new skill.
Did you know that continuing to learn throughout your life can help you to become that best version of yourself with the added benefit of helping you to deal with things differently than you did before, because you have a different mindset or new skill.
Enjoy the journey.
​
#lifeskills
#selfawareness
#mentalhealth

Grief and Loss Explained​
Loss can be painful, relieving, confusing, exhausting, consuming and many other emotions too. 

Whichever emotions you feel, during your grief, is a normal response to a loss, even when you feel these at the same time!

It is a unique experience to the person who is grieving and is an experience that needs support from others.  In order to do that, there needs to be an understanding of what that looks like. 

Being able to understand what the grieving person may be experiencing goes a long way to actually being able to help them.

We know that grief is a normal response to a loss.  It can also be complicated due to the very nature of being human and the influences in our lives.  The intensity and length of the experience of grief varies and is unique to each of us.

Grief can bring about many challenges.  Affecting relationships, our own beliefs, our world as we know it.

Having support from others can help us to deal with changes brought on by the loss we have experienced.  Support can help us to navigate through the changes and the challenges change can bring. 

Quite often we don’t know what to say to someone who is experiencing a loss.  The person experiencing the loss may want to be in your company so they are not alone, or to be listened to.  Others may need to put their ‘loss into action’, by joining a group or starting a project. 

What can we do to support those who have suffered a loss?

• We can be of support by helping them to express their feelings, through music or an activity.
• We can be of support by helping them to honour the loss (person or thing).
• We can be of support by letting them know, we are there for them, when they need us and by remembering that we are not trying to take away their grief or fix them.
• We can be of support by doing real, practical things that they might find supportive during their time of grief, to retain some degree of normality in their changing circumstances.
• We can support them by actually asking them what is going on for them to find out where they are at, in this moment.  With a curious stance, rather than the intent to fix or change. 

Whether it is you who is experiencing the loss or someone you know, the experience can feel there is a lack of control, which can lead to a sense of helplessness.

What can we do for ourselves?

• We can be compassionate toward ourselves, allowing ourselves to regain a sense of safety, a sense of calm and balance, accepting what we feel and not what others need us to feel.
• We can reach out to others.
• We can be try a new activity.
• We can share our memories, or story with others.
• We can put our energy into caring for others.
• We can educate ourselves on Grief and Loss.
• We can make sure we are getting rest, food and time with supportive others.
• We can put our thoughts in a journal.
• We can create a memory box or photo album.
• We can create a legacy in honour of the person.
• We can accept that over time grief will become more manageable even when it does not feel that way.
• We can reach out to the many support groups now available.

​#griefandloss #support #perthcounsellor #theresaacuttperth #grieving #suffered #compassionate #understanding

 
Called To Care

Are you caring for someone in need?

Caring for a family member or friend who may be physically ill or have a mental illness, can be a very emotional and difficult time for all involved no matter what the age.

I write this from a place of experience and empathy to all of you, who at some time or another, have been in a situation where you were the carer of someone in need.

Faced with dealing with several concerns, issues and practicalities around caring for the loved one or friend can be overwhelming. All whilst trying to navigate through this ‘new’ world and trying to keep some normality for oneself, partner or other children.

This can be a unique experience for us. The knock-on effect is real. People, friends, family react differently and some of these reactions may impact you further. We do not need judgement from others, and yet, we may get it regardless.

It can feel like a loss, loss of self, loss of the way things used to be, as we try to go through the process in the way we need to, what works for us, what feels right for us, in the way we can manage or not manage. We may feel like we are on autopilot.

For some of you, the reality may be that you are doing this alone. For others, support groups, social workers, and family friends are used as a great source of help.
For me, I found a few things incredibly valuable. One of these was keeping a record of events.

💙️Keeping a record of events/journal
This was my ‘lifesaver’ – my sanity to a point. I wrote everything down. Each conversation, appointments, procedures, dates, times, opinions, names of doctors, visitors, ward numbers, medications etc. Without realising it then, it helped me feel like I had some ‘control’ over a situation that felt beyond my control. It helped me put things into perspective and clarified most of the ‘blur’ of information I accumulated. This ultimately led to highlighting necessary information that was needed in order to move in the right direction.

💙Explaining Illness
Communicating honestly with your someone you are caring for can be so useful in helping them to adjust to a serious medical condition. Meeting them where they are at and validating how they are feeling about the situation they are in. Helping them to feel involved in their care in some way.

💙Family dynamics
There may come a time when members of the family are impacted by the change of routine. It can prove helpful to be a little flexible during these times and create a ‘new normal’ where possible.
Remember, you may need to include others in conversation, like a school teacher or grandparent, or work place where those who are being made aware, can look for signs of stress and step in or pass on information where needed.
In the case of siblings of an ill child, this can present with some challenging moments. It may be helpful for parents to be aware of their other children and how these children are dealing with the illness of their sibling. Although it may prove difficult, spending some time with other siblings can be beneficial to those children that may be feeling ‘left out’.

💙Behaviour and Emotions
Having a sick family member can ‘test’ the family unit. A child and adult may have many feelings about the changes affecting his or her body and so being given opportunities to express fears and feelings is important and helpful. Routines getting disrupted and constant visits to hospitals and the like can really trigger many underlying concerns and can cause upheaval to schedules that once were in place.
Sometimes behaviour of children in the household may be disruptive or unacceptable. Keeping routine as ‘normal’ as possible will go a long way in keeping the household running smoothly and helping with the coping of the situation.

💙Who supports you?
The stress we can experience as carers can vary in its intensity and frequency. It may leave us with little energy to do much else. Wherever possible, try to put supports in place that can enhance your wellbeing. It could be as simple as taking a long shower or having a much-needed cuppa. Whichever you choose, savour every minute so you can feel a little more renewed and ready for the next challenge.

​#carer #family #mindarie #australia #support #selfcare

​Just Like That!
​Have you ever experienced a time in your life when it feels like the rug you were standing on, is pulled from under you?

Many times, I have felt this, and every time, the shock is very real.
Time seems to stand still and you cannot quite believe what you just heard.

Then with that comes the emotional tailspin, the pain, the shock, the humiliation, the anger, the concern, the panic just to name a few.

What do we do with this? We all react differently.
Some might,

🔵Run and tell everyone they can about the news.

🔵Pretend it didn’t happen. Curl up into a ball and do nothing?

🔵Share it with their closest person (partner, sister, friend, mother, father etc)

For me, I go quiet. I need processing time, so I take it. I keep the information really close so I can process it first without the influence of other opinions.

I listen to the one person I have shared this with and try to see it from a different perspective.
Once I am in a calmer space having ‘come down’ from the initial shock, I then go into action. Gather knowledge, prepare for conversations and keep checking in with myself.

There is no right or wrong way to deal with unexpected news, however it is ‘healthy’ to make sure you are able to regulate your emotions firstly, recognise the support you may need, the break you may need to take, the knowledge you may need to gain in order to work through it. Weighing up the negative and positive outcomes of the bad news so you can get a realistic picture of just how bad it is and what ‘good’ you can focus on.

Eventually I might take it to my 'bookclub' ladies!! By then the emotions are regulated and it is more of just a story to tell of the rollercoaster ride of life.

What do you do when a moment like this comes?
What have your experiences been and how do you handle these?

Reflection for some does not come easy and you may find reflecting on things or self-reflecting, a difficult thing to put into practice. 
Did you know that writing down a thought or two can help improve our understanding of what is important to us and what our values are.  That being said, what if you started small with reflecting on your day, your week, before answering the next question.

If you were to reflect on the year 2022, what would you find? 
Nothing?  No achievements at all?  A few but not really significant?

Well that all depends on what you believe to be true about what achievement looks like.
For instance: 
Did you take care of your family during the pandemic?  
Did you love someone, show kindness to someone?
Did you get the kids off to school most days?
Did you go to work?
Did you put food on the table?
Did you connect with others?
Did you manage to get out and go for that walk or run?
Did you have that difficult conversation with somebody that you needed to?
Did you put one foot in front of the other and move forward?

Did you change the world?  Maybe not, but you achieved to some degree nonetheless and changed a part of YOUR world.  In a sense you are training your brain to look at what successes you have had in 2022 and I am sure you would be surprised at what you find.
So, what would you like to continue to achieve in 2023 and which strengths do you want to continue to build on that you have now identified? 

Perhaps 2023 you will notice even more.

​